Twelfth Day of December

My fear of writing fiction has to do with not believing the product and the sickness to follow. I catch sometimes a glimpse of how it's sold. Writing about zombies for instance, something trendy and kitsch. There's nothing wrong with it, but I'd be sick after and wouldn't believe it. I want to write my heart, really, and without irony. But earnestness is a bore, maudlin, sickening, right? Maybe that's it, write your heart (saying it twice has made a sound bite out of it, I'm nauseous) and call it fiction. Like when you were a kid trying to screw up the courage to ask out a girl, your heart pounding, your brain in total panic. Asking her, then before she can respond, telling her you're only kidding. Write your heart in joke form like a suicidal comedian - throw yourself through a picture window or a coffee table for some laughs. Learn to speak truth by telling lies.